It's strange to think that I only have another two weeks living in the Pink House. This year has been crazy, I've learned a lot, often unexpected things, and I'm that little bit closer to doing what I'm made for!

The next fortnight is about intensive soul searching and prayer working out the next step and maybe even the one after that should God so oblige. There are a number of options which have arisen and which I'm sure would be formative, but right now it's a case of asking, among all the nice ideas, "Lord, what do you want?"

What is it with British people?
When it's raining, it's too wet.
When it's hot, it's too hot.

The weirdest thing happened on Saturday...
The Form people were on their way to the airport and I was hanging out with Dave and Mark (a welshman and two africans). We went to this park overlooking the suspension bridge to play frisbee, and as we approached our destination Mark (who was ahead of us) shouts, "you're not going to believe this guys..." There were some people playing Kubb! We thought we were the only people in Bristol who had heard of this crazy game, but it appears it's spreading.

We joined their game and actually won two in a row (The Dream Team strikes again!)

The sun is shining, the weather is sweet (though usually, whenever I mention the sunny weather on my blog clouds and rain appear). Ian (web guru and general nice guy) rocks - yesterday he helped me fix some of the coding on my blog (not without some disciplinary words at my laziness).

Rowland and the Formettes head to Anaheim tomorrow for their final ministry trip (working with the compassion teams at Anaheim Vineyard), so I guess this is goodbye. I'm praying God completely rocks their worlds.

Gluttony
This week I've been laying low on the ice cream eating front. Last week saw me participating in the consumption of five tubs of Ben and Jerry's (for those of you who are interested: 3 Chocolate Fudge Brownie, 2 Phish Food). Surely that's not right?

As has Sofia...

Emelie has (finally) joined the blogging world.

We watched Garden State yesterday, a movie I would 100% recommend. The charm of the film is its honesty, it's willingness to explore a broad range of real issues from the complications of family life to the systematised and legal 'drugging' of our western societies. It seems to mimic the span of emotions that your average human experiences from day to day.

An interesting concept that arises gravitates around the issue of Home as aspiration, or figment of memory, rather than reality. Andrew (Zach Braff) hypothesizes that maybe family are just people who long for "the same imaginary place." This line of thought is brought to a satisfying conclusion at the end, but I won't spoil it for you...
(Disclaimer: I didn't re-read this post before publishing it the first time round, so there was unforgivable repitition. Sorry!)

Tonight will be an interesting experience - a goodbye party for some of my closest friends of 2005 - the form team. They're off to Anaheim Vineyard next weekend to spend a fortnight helping out with their compassion ministries before returning to their respective countries (at least within 36 hours of returning to the UK).

I hate goodbyes. Is it the Purpose Driven Life that talks about us being created for eternity, hence why it is odd living with a series of close but short-term relationships? I guess it's only been in the last 200 years that people would relocate so easily. Before that we were pretty content with a life of friendships in a community of relatively modest size.

I see planting a church as a long term, if not permanent commitment to a particular place (ala Peterson). The question is: is it possible to minister effectively to a society in which your way of life is so different to those around you? Are we called to model healthy, long term community, or to simply buy into the continent hopping lifestyles of our peers?

Ok, that was two questions...

Check out this little movie courtesy of Mosaic.

The worship leaders' retreat at the weekend was in Lee Abbey, in Devon, right by the sea. It's always nice waking up and hearing the sea rather than the motorway. We were only there for about 30 hours, and the weather had broken on Thursday night, but it didn't stop us making the most of walks to the sea, or nearby cliffs.

On Saturday we hooked up with Pete Beaumont and visited the local pub at nearby Lynmouth where they were airing Wimbledon to the soundtrack of Ace of Spades by Motorhead - a unique combination.

The Banquet in the Bearpit was great fun. I took a bunch of people into Broadmead Shopping Centre and we wandered around offering prayer. Whereas last time we went out giving cards which offered prayer for healing and waited for people to come to us, this time we went to people and explained who we are and what we were doing and had quite a few good opportunities to pray with people. I love that stuff.

Well, another week of being pretty slack on the blogging front - apologies to all. It's been another whirling dervish of a week, from 'running' down the steep slopes at Castell Coch with Dave and Emma on Saturday to the coming weekend which will include both a Worship Leaders' Retreat and the Banquet in the Bearpit.

The weather is awesome and made playing of more Kubb and Ultimate Frisbee possible on Sunday afternoon at the Downs (none of that 'touch rugby' for me).

Monday night we had a Point Break night at Emma's place which included the use of the in-house 'Swayze' (a scruffy blonde mullet wig reminiscent of Patrick Swayze's hair in the film). Check out the gallery for more on this one.

Last week I had a dream that Jack Johnson turned up at one of our Sunday meetings. The funny thing was that it was Zoë who pointed him out to me and said "hey, look, it's Jack Johnson." I went over to him while he was getting a coffee and doughnut and introduced myself. He was like, "cool man," and decided to hang out with us in the afternoon when we were playing frisbee in the sun.

I didn't tell him that I knew who he was because I didn't want to look like I was putting him up on a pedestal.

This week has been strange and I haven't felt much like blogging. There have been some great moments and I know God has been completely at work, but at the same time some confusing times.

For example last night Chris called me to let me know that one of the guys we were in college with died in his sleep at some point last week. I was by no means one of his closest friends. We had had some great conversations while at college and I would certainly consider him more than just an aquaintance. The thing that really hit me about his death was that life is so fragile and that the people we know and love are so precious and deserve to know that.

I was left feeling pretty confused as I cycled home - what right do I have to piggy-back my emotional journey on the back of this young man's death? How should this inform the way that I live? Am I just a hopeless melancholic?

Friend's photos:
Mark Churchill
Emma Nordeborn
Mark Evans

I seem to have been learning tons about myself in the past fortnight. At times it's been painful, and at times liberating, but I think the overall effect will be good. A lot of it involves relinquishing control, letting God direct my life, instead of holding things tightly like some spoiled child.

It's interesting being surrounded by people who are on a similar journey, of quesitioning, listening and trying to quiet the voice which says, "take control, it's your life." It's time to quiet my hectic inner life.

No more cake
When I said I was trying to give up control I didn't mean self control, but with the amount of cake flying around the office the last few days it's been difficult to resist.

This weekend I learned another new game. On Saturday we went to a field overlooking Clifton Suspension Bridge and played the Swedish game of Kubb, which involves throwing pieces of wood at pieces of wood in an attempt to knock them down.

I was stoked because I was reasonably good at it and my team kept winning (which never happens the first time you play a game like say [the cursed] Settlers of Catan).

We got asked to move pitches because the five of us were making too much noise for the 80 or so people who were watching an open air production of Shakespeare's As You Like It, and soon noticed that as people were walking by they were rubber-necking at this unknown game.

Eventually Emelie invited some guys who were walking by to join us (hi Jamie, David and Richard) for some increasingly multinational play (African, Scottish, Welsh, Swedish, Danish (natch), and English). After many hours of Kubb and the obligatory exchange of national songs, dances and swear words we retired to the pub for drinks with our new friends.

You spin me right round baby, right round
About a month ago I sat down with Andrew and told him of my plans to move back to Cardiff, to do some web-design and to find some cheap accommodation. I figured it was time to make some decisions so that's what I did.

Today all I can say it that God has messed things up. I don't know what I'm going to be doing next year, let alone where. And for now that's all I can say. It's exciting and scary (when isn't following Jesus exciting and scary?) and I feel my sense of adventure coming back!

Going to love You through the pain
I'm trying to be like You
You're the truth I can't deny
Gonna find my peace in You
Gonna love You when it hurts
(and) Put my trust in You
You're everything to me
I give it all to You
(Falling in love with You - Sam Lane)

The houseparty was a lot of fun. Team USA (Steve's ministry team) taught us Ultimate Frisbee, which I managed to corrupt fairly quickly into Ultimate Frisbee Extreme - a full contact version of the original (think Rugby meets Frisbee). No Risk playing took place as it was 11pm before a game could potentially begin and no one was up for 5 hours of world domination.

Steve had some great things to talk about, including how fear-based-thinking holds us back from kingdom risk-taking. As an example he used The Spartans, who trained themselves against fear and had success beyond their numbers when fighting the Persian army.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures for ever.
(Psalm 118, The Bible)

This is probably my last post before the weekend. Tomorrow we have a training day with Steve Nicholson, which should be a lot of fun. After that we head to Yeovil en mass for the Bristol Vineyard houseparty.

As you can see I decided to go with a bit of a redesign, which I'm dedicating to a summer of fun...

I initially made the mistake of working on the site while in a fairly melancholic mood and ended up with the title "Being and Nothingness, a guide to pragmatic existentialism."

The design is by no means perfect, but I needed a change, had limited time and couldn't bare to use a McBlogger© template.

The Muffin Man

I'm working on Cutting Edge UK today with Sim of Edge Creative. His regular muffin missions to Maks, the cafe three doors down, has earned him the nickname 'Muffin Man.'

We went to Teohs for a meal last night and for the first time this year caught a taxi. We arrived, alighted from the cab, watched it drive off and I suddenly realised that I had left my coat (inc. house and office keys) in the car.

I called the taxi company on arriving home and the driver happened to be right there next to the phone. "No, no coat left in my car," said the voice at the other end of the line.

I called back this morning and was told that I would need to talk to the night receptionist who works after 7pm.

Doesn't it just make you sick?

To my friends: do any of you use Skype? If so, email me your username.

We're working through a series on Isaiah on Sunday mornings at Bristol Vineyard which is accompanied by these daily readings. Some of the questions which have come up have been very challenging. For example how does the fact that God uses the Assyrians as an axe against Israel and then punishes them for the privilege affect the way in which we understand his character? Is divine justice somehow different to our western liberal brand? How is it possible for wrath and mercy to be accurate characteristics of one being? Why would a God of mercy choose to prevent people from receiving his healing as he does here (and echoed here)?

Tea set politics
Helping out at the mums group on Thursday mornings has given me an interesting insight into how toddlers interact. You can take a group of children who on their own are lovely and, by placing them in the context toy sharing, unleash utter chaos.

Last week there was a dispute over spoons. Megan owns a plastic tea set in which there are four cups, four spoons, four saucers, a sugar bowl and milk jug. Each of the duplicate items are identical. Nevertheless this small group of toddlers was somehow drawn to one of the four spoons over and above all others.

It seems that the fact that someone else wants something gives it value beyond all identical somethings. Could this be one of the principles that we've built an entire economic model on?

Jon Matthias recommends

On Wednesday afternoon I announced to the group that the following Friday the plan was to head for the city centre, give out chocolate and offer prayer for healing. Reactions were varied, but the feeling of nervous excitement and curiosity was shared.

Friday morning came and we had a time of worshipping God, asking Him to equip us for whatever might be ahead. There was a deep sense of his presence, that he was bringing us together as a group, uniting us and preparing us.

The setup involved two chairs with a sign saying "prayer for healing" draped across. We passed out chocolate and flyers in groups of two. The flyers expressed that we believe in a generous God who can heal (etc.)

Curiosity levels were high - people asking what we were doing, gratefully receiving their chocolate. One of the highlights of the afternoon was seeing one man really moved by God as Rowland and Sofia prayed for him right there on the street.

Ian is a complete star and has built an RSS Parser for all the Cardiff Vineyard blogs. For those of you asking "what's one of those?" visit it here.

I'm so glad it's a bank holiday and that the weather is nice. Yesterday was a crazy day - with band in the morning and then a ministry trip with Andrew and the Formettes to St Barnabas Church in Finchley.

On Friday night we watched The Motorcycle Diaries, the story of two friends traveling South America on the back of an old motorbike. The youngest of the duo, Ernesto Guevara (later Che Guevara), is transformed by his experiences as he rubs shoulders with the poor, from leprosy patients to those unjustly ousted from their land. The film draws its viewers to see life through the eyes of young Ernesto and as a result bypasses some of the more 'political' directions that a narrative of this nature could take. The focus is life and its value, rather than the promotion of political ideals.

Now I must get back to the sun...

Yesterday we handed out chocolate on Gloucester Road. On each bar was a sticker which read: "This is our simple way of saying that God loves you."

My favourite quote came from Emma:
"They may not believe in God, but everyone believes in free chocolate."

I've been running around like a bit of a headless chicken today. Nic is ill, so I'm looking after Rowland and the Formettes for the next two weeks, which should be a lot of fun.

Garageband has become my new favourite piece of software. I love the fact that you can take a basic demo and turn it into something resembling a professional recording.

BTW Ben has an interesting blog on the go, which is guaranteed to satisfy fans of the frequently updated website.

Saturday was all about chilling. As the weather wasn't great we visited the mummies in Bristol Museum, drank coffee, and ascended the Cabot Tower.

Speaking of coffee, when we arrived at The Boston Teaparty, one of the best coffee houses in Bristol, it was completely rammed. We went for a stroll, came back and it was still standing room only, so, consumed by thirst, we decided to visit the monstrosity that is Starbucks. Stood in the queue I decided that I would have a fairtrade latte. At the counter I was quickly informed that, unfortunately the only fairtrade coffee available was filter coffee. I succumbed.

How can it be that an independent coffee company like 'Boston' can offer all varieties of coffee made with their 'Revolution' (fairtrade) beans and yet the superpower that is Starbucks only offer fairly traded filter coffee?

It seems that Megan is getting more and more animated the closer she gets to her 2nd birthday. Steve taught her that when you place your clenched fist in front of her and say "respect" she clenches her fist and taps it against yours.

Yesterday I was trying to teach her to say "dude." The exchange went something like this:
"Megan, can you say dude?"
She points at me, a big smile on her face.
"Megan, can you say dude?"
She points at me again...

Yesterday I stumbled across one of the many mysteries of the blogging world. I was reading Eddie's blog for the first time in months and noticed this post, in which he announces that he's bo be married in a matter of months. The last time I read Eddie's blog he was talking about the struggles of being single, so you can imagine how surprised I was to learn not only is he going out with someone, but he is to be wed. Judging from comments he received I wasn't the only one.

Anyhow this got me thinking about the public nature of blogging and the fact that, particularly if you are embarking on a relationship, you will be reluctant to divulge details until you are sure of where you stand with the other person - after all you don't want the world knowing your feelings and assumptions when they do not, and you don't want to find yourself communicating with them via the medium of blog.

As a result we find these shocking marriage announcements from people who, as far as we knew, were grappling with what it means to be content and single!

On Saturday I went to Cardiff with Bill for a Myers Briggs day with the cv leadership team. It was great fun learning some more about myself and how I think, and why other people think the way they do. Here are my results:

ENFJ
Extravert I get energy from being with people.
iNtuitive I'm more inclined towards the big picture than fine detail.
Feeling When a problem arises involving people I like to dive in and solve it rather than to stand back and look at it dispassionately.
Judging I value order above spontaneity.

Ethics vs. Customer Service
While I was at home over Easter I visited a H&M store with Zoë. Ever since I heard about H&M, and the low prices of their clothing, I believed that at some stage in the production chain individuals must be suffering. I mean you just can't offer t-shirts for £3 and guarantee that producers in the third world aren't receiving a raw deal. Right?

So while Zoë was trying on some garments I decided to make some enquiries.
"Hi there, I was wondering if you have any information on the origins of your clothes?" I asked the girl at the counter.
As she looked at me, processing my question, I caught a glimpse of what was going on behind her eyes: 'ok, ok, question I don't understand, pretend you have some idea of what's just been asked' (smiles, pretends to make a phonecall, wanders around the store appearing to make enquiries of her co-workers, comes back, whispers in the ear of the guy at the till next to her)
So the guy leans over and asks, "what do you want?"
"I was just wondering if you have any information on the conditions under which your clothes are produced?"
(In broad Cardiff accent) "Mate, do you really need to know?"
"Well, yeah, I'd like to know..."
(Wanders around for a few minutes in similar fashion to his colleague, then comes back shaking his head)
I decide to throw him some rope..."Do you have an email address for someone who would know?"
(Wanders around for a few minutes before returning) "Yeah mate, www.h&m."

On checking out the website I discovered this - clear information on their ethical concerns. Finally!

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K..." (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)

I've been in the office the past two days and each day a strange thing has happened:

Tuesday
A guy comes in who visits at least once a week for a cup of tea and a chat. Anyhow this time he's telling me all kinds of bad things that are going on in his life. I'm listening and listening and he's getting more and more worked up, then goes into a lull of emotion, then carries on. So I'm listening and I'm praying: "Lord, what should I do? Should I offer to pray for him?" I felt that the answer was "yes" so I waited for a lull and asked, "hey, can I pray for you?" To which he replied, "no...in fact I'm offended at that" and walks straight out slamming the door behind him.

Wednesday
Three kids with Irish accents come into the office asking "what do you do here?" so Grace explains that it is the office of a church. The smallest of the boys is wandering around and one of the others is calling "Pete, come back here..." I notice that he's heading back towards my desk and decide to follow him, arriving just in time to see him turn around quickly and walk back out towards the front door. I scower my (rather untidy) desk to see what is missing and twig just in time that my phone isn't there. I make my way towards the front door, but I'm not completely certain that my phone was even on my desk and am wary of grabbing an eight year old boy and demanding my phone off him for all the legal implications. So I literally watch them leave and inform Grace, "I'm sure that kid just stole my phone." In the back of my mind I'm trying to look on the bright side - 'at least my life will be more simple...'

Five minutes pass and the little boy returns, two phones in hand. He tells Grace, "I'm sorry I took these phones, I thought they were toys."

Ingredients for a Risk night:
- Doritos
- Salsa dip
- Dr. Pepper
- Joosters

Job prospects?
Apparently it is possible to earn a living by blogging. (via)

Heroes
One of the pioneers of just treatment in the mills of England was a welshman called Robert Owen. Unlike his counterparts Owen was concerned not only with making money, but with establishing a community in which people could realise their full potential. He fought against young children being allowed to work in the mills and treated those in his employment well. As he did this he discovered that the response that these people had to being treated in this way was working harder!

GOD enters the courtroom.
He takes his place at the bench to judge his people.
GOD calls for order in the court,
hauls the leaders of his people into the dock:

"You've played havoc with this country.
Your houses are stuffed with what you've stolen from the poor.
What is this anyway?
Stomping on my people, grinding the faces of the poor into the dirt?"

That's what the Master,
GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies, says.
(Isaiah 3:13-15 in The Message)

I'm back in the office today, finishing some work on the next edition of cutting edge. It was really nice to be at home last week, although in the pause, where there was more space to think, my mind kind of went into overdrive thinking about the future.

I've finally started reading The Contemplative Pastor by Eugene Peterson. I love the way that he defines the role of pastor not as 'someone who runs a church,' but as someone whose task it is to call people into the life of another Kingdom, and to unravel what that means in the midst of day to day life.

Currently listening to...

Easter
I'm enjoying hanging out in Cardiff this week. The easter weekend was fun - spending time with Rob and Mark over the weekend, chilling out with the family, walking in the park.

On Monday Emelie came over with Mia, her friend from Sweden and we did the tourist thang - we visited Cardiff Castle (see photos). It's always fun seeing Cardiff through the eyes of a visitor - the surprise at finding a castle and acres and acres of grassland bang in the middle of the city.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my little sis - something I don't get to do as much as I'd like.

My Sister

courtesy of Mark

Sometimes it's hard being true to yourself. This morning I received an application form and job description from a Christian organisation who are looking for a lobbyist. For a moment I was tempted - a good salary, a variety of political responsibilities and the opportunity to stretch myself.

The problem is that in recent years I've become less and less convinced that the Church's role is to pursuade politicians to formulate policies which force those who aren't followers of Jesus to act as though they are. That just oozes a Christendom mindset, the need to assert power on a political level.

I believe we are called to be a voice for the voiceless and to be actively involved in addressing justice, but I'm not too worried about us 'followers of The Way' getting marginalised in society. We might even rediscover the radical way of life that Jesus calls us to!

The B-movies that are shown on channel five (UK) have three main plots...

Plot 1
A plane flight crash, survivors left in a remote and icy location, two of them survive but not without the need for amputative surgery on their toes to deal with the frostbite they have suffered. Happily ever after (they generally leave the story of their recovery sans-toes to the imagination).

Plot 2
When she hears that her daughter is unable to have children, X offers to carry the child on her behalf. The tale of love, joy and tension that this incurrs.

Plot 3
A 'cop' whose partner was killed in action goes in search of revenge.

Have I missed any out?

Drinking Beer with Vikings
We had a great weekend hanging out at Copenhagen Vineyard. They are a great bunch of people, mostly around my age and lots of whom are fairly new to following Jesus. God showed up in power on both Saturday and Sunday and it was a great privilege to bless what He was doing.

Things I liked about Denmark:
- Big, powerful showers.
- Wood burning stoves that heat the houses.
- Architecture.
- Comprehensive bike lanes.
- Snow (that actually sticks).
- Copenhagen Vineyard.
- Candles.
- etc.

We're sat in the business departure lounge for our flight to Copenhagen and I've been contemplating the transience of these places. They're like a no-where zone between life in one country and life in another. Existence hangs, on hold, as we sit savouring our free drinks.

Whenever I read a good book I have an internal dialogue that goes on. Half of me is eager to drink it up, to absorb every moment of it as quickly as possible. The other half is pleasantly contented that I have found a book which I love and want to savour. For this half, the thought of reaching the end is sad.

Eugene speaks
"I think relevance is a crock. I don't think people care a whole lot about what kind of music you have or how you shape the service. They want a place where God is taken seriously, where they're taken seriously, where there is no manipulation of their emotions or their consumer needs." [read more]

A whole week later...

News: I've uncovered the student subculture of Risk Players, which led to a four-and-a-half hour session on Sunday afternoon. I had a lot of fun despite being the first loser.

On Friday we head to Denmark on a ministry trip, which will no doubt stretch me some more. I've never visited any Nordic countries, so it will be an experience.

I'm reading, and loving, How to be Good by Nick Hornby. He's one of my favourite writers, the way he composes a scene and at times sheds light on the mysteries (and monotonies) of human life. Reading his books are a breath of fresh air, easier and more relaxing than watching TV.

One morning last week, I can't remember which day, I was in the shower and found myself thinking of a story that I've heard a million times before. Years ago, before I was even a twinkle in my fathers eye, my Grandpa was asked to pray for a lady who was completely blind. He recalls having absolutely no expectation of anything happening and remembers being astounded when the lady informed him that she could now see.

Cut to me thinking about this one morning last week. I suddenly felt really challenged as I heard God whisper in my ear, "ok, it might be a nice story, but it's someone else's. I want you to have your own." This is what I long for. I don't want to find myself recounting 30 year old stories of how God used my Grandfather. I want to join God in his kingdom work here and now and to have stories of my own that reflect that.

"An honest answer
is like a warm hug"
(Proverbs 24:26)

Last night at Fusion we looked at the Spiritual Disciplines. I was trying to work out why I love this subject so much and a few ideas came to mind...

1. The first is that it is so counter cultural - our society is marked by the disposable and the instant. Even things that once had the air of permanence, such as marriage, are throwaway. A life of discipline is the antithesis of this culture. It values life change above the quick fix. Our lives become more focussed on the eternal.

2. Our feelings towards the word 'discipline' are often negative, other words like 'punishment' come to mind. In contrast to this response - that they are somehow constrictive - the spiritual disciplines can function as tools towards a life of greater peace and freedom.

I could ramble further, but I won't...

This morning I visited Form, who had a visit from Jon the Freelance Theologian. His challenge was to teach the broad sweep of Church history in the space of two and a half hours. He did a great job considering the time constraints.

For a few days back there I slipped off google's radar. I'm not sure what it was, but both my pornstar and politician namesakes overtook me in the top spot when searching my name. It's nice to be back.

I visited Cardiff this weekend, which was great fun. It was a swift visit (just over 24 hours) which included Shot in the Dark and Inncognito on Friday night, a trip to the Bay, a fringe trim, a roast dinner and a little sleep on Saturday.

I always think of the best things to blog when I'm riding my bike between home and the office. Last night, when I reached a junction between Downend and Muller Roads, I noticed that there are two distinct varieties of those who cycle on road. For one it is permissible to cross a junction when the pedestrian signal is sounding, for the other this is a cardinal sin. Interesting? Maybe not. But true...

The housegroup leaders' weekend at Glenfall House was great. It was good to be in a different context with people who don't always get to hang out, to minister to one another and to ask questions of our journeys in leadership.

On the Sunday morning we had a ministry time in which I really felt God addressing the issue of the 'fear of man' in my life. I know that I'm called to 'live before an audience of one,' to care more about what God thinks of me than I do about what others think of me, and it seems that God is consistently chipping away at how, where and from whom I find affirmation.

Go On Loving You
This is my prayer
This is my cry
I want to go on loving You
All through the joy
All through the fire
I want to go on loving You
I want to go on loving You

Seasons will change
People depart
I want to go on loving You
In times of pain when life is hard
And when the journey seems so long
I want to go on loving You

Your love for me, new as the dawn
older than time
Stronger than death, greater than life
This love is mine

In everything, through all my life
I want to go on loving You
This is my prayer, this is my cry
I want to go on loving You
I want to go on loving You

After one night of throwing up my stomach (not just its contents) and two days of disorientated aching, I'm back in the office. I'm just grateful that the experience was swift and that I can think about orange juice without finding my head in a bucket.

This weekend is the housegroup leaders retreat at Glenfall House, which should be fun.

Why is it that even when you have an early and full night of sleep you still wake up tired? That was the story this morning, the lids seemed heavier than usual, but I managed to get up without a single snooze.

It was the central prayer meeting last night, which was a really good time. Last week at the NLC Lance Pittluck brought us the challenge of embracing the life of prayer, in our solitary lives and in the lives of our communities. While it is good to have a motivated community of doers, or activists, that activism has to come from a place of deep intimacy with the father otherwise our works are empty.

cuttingedge:uk is now out.

Well, back from a crazy week in Bournemouth. It was a great time hanging out with old friends, meeting new ones, hearing some great teaching, walking by the sea and lots of fruit.

I'm leaving for the leaders conference in a few hours, but thought I'd post quickly before I leave...

The weekend was fun. Had a fairly mellow one on Saturday, then Sunday was crazy. We went into the prison on Sunday morning to lead a service in the chapel. God was there and moved despite the usual rowdiness of the guys there. It's a great place to grow in confidence in playing guitar and singing in front of people - you're guaranteed hecklers etc!

I've had this song going through my head all weekend. I'm not a big fan of the melody, but the words are great. In fact I can't even remember how the chorus goes, but here are words to the verse...

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful of comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp you infinite wisdom?
Who can fathom the depth of your love?

Yesterday I gave Emma a birthday card with a picture on the front of two apes dancing and a caption underneath that says, "I'm afraid you misunderstood, I said would you like a mango?"

This was especially funny for 2 reasons:
1) That it's a little known fact that Emma loves mangos, and
2) That the card Emelie gave her also had two apes on...

Last week I was thinking about the concept of eternal life starting now. It dawned on me that the scenario where people say, regarding tattoos, "you might like it now, but what about when you're 80," is altogether less frightening when you view this life as transient. Life is short, and in light of that fact, perhaps the attitude that is more natural to take is "why wouldn't I want to get that tattoo now? I only have a short time, why not try this stuff out now, while I can?"

I know it's a silly example, but my (rather convoluted) point is that perspective really does make a big difference.

This week is the run up to the National Leaders' Conference in Bournemouth.

On Saturday night we went to Po Na Na to hear Sim DJ and celebrate Emelie's birthday. It was a good night - Sim played some great US house, with everything from gospel vocals to the walking bass lines of funk records. Emma and I were the most hardcore, dancing from 10.30pm-1.50am.

By Sunday night my voice was well on its way out and I'm now full of cold...thank goodness for lemsip!

Wow, it's been almost a whole week since I last posted. Things in Bristol are going pretty well and are very busy. This week I've been sorting out the finishing touches to the latest edition of cuttingedge:uk, working on which has been great fun.

This morning I was doing some teaching on Form, the discipleship programme at BV. The subject was Acts, and was based on How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth by Fee and Stuart (a great book which I'm sure I didn't do justice!) Complications arose from the fact that the swedes (3/5 of the group) aren't back up to full translating strength, but we got through it and finished with some great Rissotto from Rachael and Emma.

On Monday I was talking to Andrew about my future career. As mentioned in my last post, I often find it difficult to find the 'one thing' that I'm to focus on amid all my varied interests. He's pretty good with quips, and this weeks one was "over analysis leads to paralysis" - one that I'm certain is true (often in my own life!)

The Poverty of Finiteness
One of the highlights of this week was a meal with Tim and Julie. We talked for hours about things like church planting, justice, and deciding what to do with the rest of your life. The latter was something that has been on my mind for a while - knowing that there are probably a number of different avenues I could go down and trying to work out where God is actually leading me.

Tim used the phrase 'the poverty of finiteness' to express this dilemma - the idea that while there are any number of things we might do with our lives, we are limited by the span of our lives. My Grandpa once told me that one of his only regrets was doing too much, rather than focussing on a few things and doing them well.

I want to learn from my Grandpa's experience, I want to find what it is that I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life and do it well.

I was about to clock-off when I realised that it's been too long since I last blogged. Things here at BV are slowly picking up after the Christmas lull, people arriving back in dribs and drabs (especially when it comes to the students).

I'm really praying that this will be a year when I learn to trust God in a way that I haven't experienced up until now. Over Christmas I spent some time thinking and praying through an area in my life that I find it particularly hard to trust Him in: money!

This (academic) year has really seen the ante upped in this area, living without a fixed wage and without that immediate connection between what I do and what I receive. What an interesting adventure.

I arrived back in Bristol last night. As I sat in the big, quiet house I was struck by the fact that the last ten days had passed so quickly.

This morning the alarm sounded at 7.30pm and I snoozed until 7.45. After a Christmas of 9am starts waking this early was painful.

Happy New Year everyone!

It's the last day of 2004 and I've been doing some reflecting, thinking about the past year and the one ahead. I'm both excited and apprehensive about the future, knowing some of what is ahead though only in broad strokes, rather than fine detail. It's the detail that always bothers me.

Since being home I've enjoyed catching up with friends, hanging out with family and having the opportunity to rest. I'm in a strange place at the moment, a time of training, a time of getting used to being out of my comfort zone, a time of knowing I am between places. In the past month I've been learning a little of what it means to be content wherever you are and whatever you are doing, though I know I still have tons to learn.

Past leanings towards the poor and to issues of justice, which for a while I had put on the back-burner, seem to be resurfacing within me. While I don't know how their outworking will look, I know that to ignore them would be like lying to myself.

I just pray that God will continue to guide me as I take these little baby steps in following him.

Christmas Reading
"The story of Christmas, properly understood, asserts that God is not best imagined as an all-powerful despot but as a vulnerable and pathetic child. It's a statement about the nature of divine power. But in the hands of conservative theologians, the Nicene religion of the baby and the cross is a way of distracting attention away from the teachings of Christ. It's a form of religion that concentrates on things like belief in the virgin birth while ignoring the fact that the gospels are much more concerned about the treatment of the poor and the forgiveness of enemies..." [read more]
-Giles Fraser in today's The Guardian

I'm heading back to Cardiff in a few hours. It'll be nice to see friends and family and to find out what's been going on since I've been away. If I don't blog before, have a great Christmas!

My friend Tom is playing at Cardiff Barfly on the 28th of December.

I had a nice, chilled-out 22nd birthday on Sunday. My Mum, Dad and Zoë came over and we went out to Wagamama, currently my favourite restaurant, for lunch. I recommend the vegetarian Yasai Katsu Curry.

Afterwards we drove back via the Downs, which were beautifully lit by a low winter sun. When we got back to the house we ate cake and hung out with Steve and Claire. An enjoyable birthday, though less rawkus than I'm accustomed to!

My photos from the trip to Vancouver and Seattle are now online. click here

I figured it was about time I gave you an update on the Vancouver/Seattle ministry trip that I was on last week, so here goes…

Vancouver
The 29th November 2004 was my first 36 hour day. On arrival at Bristol bus station at about 8am I found a rather cold Don awaiting our bus to Heathrow Airport. We found Abi in the café whispering sweet nothings to her fiancé (now husband) Matt. A few moments later Sim arrived and the dream team was complete.

We travelled many an hour, from coach to plane, to people carrier, but finally arrived at Margie and Marcie’s house, two ladies who were looking after six of us during our stay in Vancouver. The first thing that struck me in Canada was the size on the roads, the size of the cars, and how spread out everything is. I was tired, so it’s not surprising that my memories of my first night in the country were fairly vague.

I fell asleep at 7pm (8 hours behind GMT) and woke at 7.20am feeling great and very blessed that my excitement at visiting a foreign land hadn’t hindered my rest. Marcie fed us very well the two mornings that we had the time to have a large breakfast – eggs, crepes, caramel and maple syrup were the order of the day! We felt so welcomed and encouraged to relax and enjoy our time with them.

On Tuesday we went to the mall, my first experience of a North American consumer paradise and I think we stayed too long (4 hours total). It was interesting to check out Wal-Mart (I pray I never have to step into one of them again) and to try a Taco Bell (tasteless food, but at least they had Root Beer).

In the evening we attended a leadership training evening on the subject of ‘intentional community,’ where Andrew spoke and the we mingled with the discussion tables.

Wednesday was a day for exploring downtown Vancouver. We took the Sky Train and then the Sea Bus, divided so that some could go up Grouse Mountain and others could find ‘urbana.’ Sim, Abi and I found ourselves in Gas Town, where we met a girl who tried to convince us to eat at Brothers (a restaurant). We asked her where we could find independent record shops and nice coffee houses and she sent us in the direction of Commercial Drive. We then took the long way: bus, train, bus, train.

On one of the busses we met an old lady called Grace who was enthusiastic about the merits of fruit. She told us that she “should have died” years before, but owes her continued existence to eating fresh fruit. She also informed us that she had asthma, arthritis and cancer. It turned out our stop was the same as hers and, as we got off the bus, Sim chased after her and asked if we could pray for her ailments. She agreed to us praying for her there, on the street, so we did. When we had finished she prayed for us, that God would bless us on our trip.

That evening we went to one of Southside’s evening celebrations, where all four congregations come together. Andrew spoke and we ministered. One of the coolest parts of that night was having the opportunity to pray with a group of teenagers in the church. Earlier in the evening I sensed that God wanted us to pray for those who were under twenty-five, and when Matt called the teenagers forward I knew this was the time.

Seattle
We woke up at 5am on Thursday morning so that we could be ready for our 6am pick up. The aim was to get to Seattle for 10am and our Canadian escorts knew we might be some time crossing the border. The journey went smoothly and we switched vehicles in a Starbucks car-park somewhere near Seattle. This leg of the journey was with Wayne and Dusty in their van that closely resembled the A-Team van. They took us to Yakima, the self professed ‘Palm Springs of Washington,’ where we hung out with the leadership team of Yakima Vineyard, a great bunch of people.

In the evening there was a get-together with the all the leaders in the church where Andrew told us, during the ministry time, that if we were going to give words they had to be specific, i.e. point at someone and say ‘I think God is saying this for you,’ rather than just ‘I think there’s someone here who has this going on in their life.’ I found this kind of scary because it was something I had never done before, and I was expecting that if I gave a word to someone it would turn out to be completely ‘off.’ So as we stood there at the front I was praying like crazy and was, rather politely, letting everyone else go ahead of me! After having a word for one person go around in my head for what seemed like forever I decided to grit my teeth and tell the individual what I felt God was saying. The amazing thing is that it was entirely relevant and we were able to pray together! I was blown away.

Friday was another early morning as we departed at around 6.30am for Seattle where the ELI (Emerging Leaders Initiative) conference was to take place. We started off with a Leaders Roundtable where we talked about planting communities of faith in a secular context. A lot of this involved the post-intentional debate as we tried to explain that a lot of this stuff is intuitive.

In the afternoon we went up the space needle and chilled out, but that’s a story I’ve already told.

On Saturday morning Abi told her story and spoke on allowing God into your whole life, which was great and led into a really special time of prayer. In the afternoon Matt spoke very briefly on healing, but mostly on following Jesus. He ended by sending everyone out to pray for people on the street. That night we spent some time sharing stories from the afternoon and then Chris spoke on prophecy and we had a clinic time.

Afterwards Sim and I went back to the house we were staying at with Kyle and Ian and some of the other people from the conference. We chilled out to the likes of Michael Jackson, Prince and Madonna! We also learnt to hi-five in true American style.

Sunday we visited the Vineyard Community Church in Shoreline (the venue of the ELI conference) where Don spoke on Jeremiah. It’s great having this extended family across the globe.

That afternoon Kyle took us shopping in downtown Seattle where everything was half what it would cost in the UK. We went for pizza in the U-District and then retired to the house where we started watching Jackie Brown. I never did make it through that film…

Some new music I picked up in the US of A...

The Postal Service "Give Up"
Sim, Abi and I were in a coffee house on Commercial Drive in Vancouver when we first heard this. It's kind of electronica meets chilled out American indie and is a side project of the singer from Deathcab for Cutie. I love it.

Pedro the Lion "Achilles Heel"
This is the latest recording from Pedro and is real interesting. At times strongly influenced by the likes of Radiohead and Coldplay, though not to a degree that is offputting. The raw guitar sounds in this album are what I love the most.

Ironically while I was there I had a conversation with a guy called George (part of Shoreline Vineyard, Seattle) in which he told me that all the best music comes out of the UK. At the time I agreed with him and didn't let on that most of my favourite bands are from the US!

Blackout!
I walked through the door at 6.15pm on Tuesday after around 17 hours of travelling and got into bed around 9pm. The next morning I finally woke at 8am oblivious to the fact that my clock had been ringing (or more accurately beeping) since 7.30am.

Having prepared myself for the day ahead I jumped on my bike at around 9.55pm and headed to the office. On my arrival I was chatting with Grace, she asked me how the trip had gone. I started to think "where should I start" when I began to notice I was getting light-headed.

Four minutes later I was sat on the sofa in the office as Grace took the bag off my back. My mouth was sore and Andrew was now downstairs asking "what happened?" Apparently I had blacked out, fallen forward and smacked my head on Grace's desk. Fortunately I had my cycling helmet on at the time so I just had a bit of a fat lip, a small cut on my right arm and mis-shapen glasses. According to Grace, my eyes were open the whole time.

Day 2 of ELI (Emerging Leaders Initiative) and we're having fun. Yesterday afternoon we went to the Seattle Space Needle, which was really interesting - good views. By the time we returned we were all so tired that we just KOd on the sofas in the Senior Pastors' office. We were fed, had prayer etc. and God really gave us the energy and expectancy to go on.

Afterwards Sim and I hung out with our new friends Ian and Kyle, who we helped house-sit one of their friends' houses. On the way home Kyle asked us "what do you guys want for breakfast?" To which Sim jokingly replied "sausage, bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, muffins, coffee, orange juice..." We were so tired that everything seemed funny - especially the names of the products we put on our 'toasting buscuits' (english muffins) - Smuckers Jam, Skippy Peanut Butter.

There does seem to be way more fruit in the US than in Canada, which surprised me - I anticipated it being the other way around.

We've literally just strolled in to Seattle Vineyard. There's an Emerging leaders' conference starting in 10 minutes, so just a quick update. So far we've visited Vancouver, eaten very well, stayed in Yakima and hung out with the guys from Southside Community Church and Yakima Vineyard respectively.

Late nights and early mornings probably mean that when I look at this on arrival back home it won't make great grammatical sense, but who cares.

We drove through the mountains this morning, in the mist. At first it was so misty that Abi asked "are we driving to heaven." Matt claims he saw a coyote and a sign on a diner saying "Jesus is Lord, we accept Visa." The cars are big and the
"gas" is scarily cheap.

I'm taking photos and will blog more substantially on my return.

Yesterday I had the joy of teaching on Form, the discipleship course that is being run for the first time at Bristol Vineyard this year. We dialogued on the subject of God's grace and what our response to this great mystery should be. It was lots of fun. I also discovered what a huddle is.

Prayer request: my nose seems to be running today. Since I arrived at Bristol, three months ago, I've had three head colds. I'd really appreciate it if you would pray that this one doesn't stick as we're going on a ministry trip to Vancouver and Seattle on Monday.

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't love U2s music? I mean I can listen to it and think "this is good music," but it never really hits me in the heart. I never really connect with it.

Samuel Turrigiano has arrived! He was born yesterday afternoon. Congratulations Matt and Rebecca!

The weekend was yet another whirlwind. We had a fun Alpha day on Saturday at the House of the Open Door (yes it was as cold as it sounds).

Baby Turrigiano is apparently very close to arriving. Very exciting!

Last night a group of us went to see The Verra Cruz at The Fleece. As usual they rocked. They were supporting X is Loaded who are pretty interesting and remind me a little of bands like Sparta. One of the funniest parts of the gig was when the singer came out into the crowd, jumped up on the bar, then got down and started singing into the mic, surrounded by people, accompanied by the guy selling t-shirts.

Those of you in Cardiff, check them out at the Barfly tomorrow night (Sat 20th).

Ask anyone who blogs and they'll tell you that, when you sit down to update your blog, all the interesting ideas and news that you've had for the last week vanish and your mind goes blank.

This week the news in question is the fact that Megan has started walking! She's currently only doing this between people, and only for about 5 steps, but she's walking!

I've been trying to work out exercises that she can do to strengthen her legs and improve balance...

Now I'm greatly in favour of the fair trade movement, but it seems that for the time being, if you are male, you have to make a choice between fair trade and fashion. Surely the two weren't meant to be mutually exclusive?

Girls, on the other hand get a wide variety of choice some of which is really nice.

The last few days I have been struck by the number of people God has put around me who speak words of encouragement into my life. It's such a blessing.

The word party is over-used. I mean do you really know what someone means when they say "we're having a party, would you like to come?" A perfect example of this happened when we were in Nottingham for Doing the Stuff.

Chris, Rob and I had been out to Dogma and were eating some toast in Chris' kitchen when his next door neighbours invited us to "a party." I think we all assumed it was the kind of party with loads of people, a vibrant atmosphere and good music. Unfortunately it was one of those other kinds of parties, the kind when there are just a couple of people getting stoned.

Needless to say we made as speedy an exit as we could, but not before Chris had downloaded his music onto their computer.

I'm sure there are hundreds of types of parties - perhaps there needs to be a rule where if you invite someone to a party you define it.

My Weekend
Life has certainly upped its pace since I moved to Bristol. I'm sat in the office after another crazy weekend - Heart and Skill, the (musical) worship training day, came to Bristol on Saturday so the day was spent running the day, hanging out with delegates and those teaching the day. It was great fun.

Each day of the weekend I saw some Cardiff Vineyardites. Friday night was my Dad's 50th Birthday party. They hired a venue in Cardiff and got a band in. There were so many people there, 1/3 of which I didn't recognise, but who recognised me. I hate it when you don't recognise someone and they're saying "do you remember me?" and I'm thinking "will you be offended if I don't?" So sorry if I offended anyone by my lack of recognition!

Last night Mark (Evans), Mark (Churchill) and I led some worship songs at Vineyard Late. I really enjoyed playing with those guys.

New skill of the weekend: operating a video projector.

Saturday night we returned from Nottingham weak, weary and very excited about everything we had seen God do while we were there.

On Friday afternoon I went out with a group of people offering prayer for healing in Nottingham City Centre. It was amazing because as soon as we put up the sign offering "prayer for healing" there was a steady flow of people coming to receive prayer and free chocolate (a small token of God's love).

Saturday I was hanging out with some of the people from the Arches - a centre which provides anything from sofas and toys to coffee and prayer to refugees and the poor in Nottingham.

I've really felt God speaking to me recently about confidence and where I find it. Often we talk about wanting self-confidence, but I don't really think that's what God intends. He wants us to be reliant on him for confidence and purpose. Part of finding confidence in God involves getting over the 'self.' it means seeing that the Kingdom of God is far bigger and more important than your own hang-ups and insecurities.

This weekend is about relaxing with family. We're having a short break to celebrate my Dad's 50th Birthday, which is coming up on Wednesday.

The 'Old Faithfuls' in our society give us a sense of context. They are the people of history, who are still alive. They tell of a time that has passed but which, through their life, is still within reach. When the old die out the young are forced to take their place.

John Peel was one of those 'Old Faithfuls.' He was one of the only constants in a scene that is dominated by the throw-away. As the longest running DJ on Radio 1 he flew in the face of this disposability of culture and the worship of youth.

Apparently he presented his shows as though he was talking to one individual. It really came across. Listening to his show was like being introduced to music by an old friend, who had been collecting music especially with you in mind.

Farewell old friend.